Shadow Work-Food Addiction

While meditating yesterday, a bit of shadow work came to me. 

I have a bad relationship with food.

In order to heal this relationship, it'll take a lot of soul searching. Let's start at the beginning.

As a kid, I was a picky eater. I'm talking chicken nuggets and fries or a cheeseburger ketchup only or I'm not having it.

I was also spoiled. My grandmother would get me McDonald's or Boudreaux burgers (your loss if you don't live in Chackbay area to experience those) any time I wanted. Even if I were at home, she'd get my grandpa to drop me food at my request. If I were at her house, her homemade french fries were where it was at. It wasn't just when I was small, either. The older I got, it kept going, basically until I could drive myself.

Food meant comfort. Feeling bad? I still crave those fries. Got good grades? Let's go eat! I still did that with my kids...good events mean eating.

When I was younger (aka before kids), I could eat like a horse and never gain weight. My grandma always says I was too bony and skinny. And she'd feed me. People would joke about how I could down food, and give me more.

Bad things happened to me from the age of 13, that I am working through privately. But instead of talking and/or getting help, I kept quiet. And lost my relationship with food alltogether--started forgetting to eat.

Honestly, once I got to high school it was different. Food was an afterthought. I had school, band, work, home life--no time for food. That's where I learned to miss meals and forget to eat. And, when I did eat, it wasn't healthy. Again, still skinny, but started getting a little belly fat, which was bad because I also did pageants. I was always the least skinny, baby face contestant. But I did well.

Then comes adulthood. Living on hot fries and Dr. Pepper while in college. Suppers were junk, quick fix meals. I had school, band, work, and life. I hated college. I dropped out after one year. I THOUGHT I'd get on track after that--then I get pregnant.

As soon as I was positive, I got married (mistake). We had a bad relationship. And where did I turn for comfort? Yep, food. I remember eating 4 doughnuts and then going to my diabetes test that I had forgotten about. I know I gave red flags like that to my doctor, but they were ignored. The worse the relationship got, the more I ate. I went from 110ish lbs to 210 when I had my son. The relationship continued for almost 2 years, and I was depressed. I never got help. I just ate and drank and tried to numb myself. Of course, it didn't work.

When my marriage ended, I went back to forgetting to eat. My depression was worse, and I didn't care about myself at all. I was couch surfing while trying to figure out my life. That meant eating when I could, but never having control of what I was eating. This was the time I met him--my saving grace. I will say until the end of days that he saved me. He took me in and loved my son like his own. 

I had a home. I had stability. And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I started losing weight. I got help for my depression, and started getting answers to other health issues. I found my happy again. Just as I was getting to a good weight again, I got pregnant. I stayed on top of my mental health this time. However, I gained all the weight back, even with a better relationship. One I had my daughter, I couldn't get the weight off. I started doing all the counting calories and watching carbs and working out I could. Nothing helped. I got on a medicine that got me down to 140 lbs. However, it wasn't good for my heart. I had to get off of it, and the weight came back.

Then came the surgeries. First, my gall bladder died. Then, multiple knee surgeries to fix damage that was ignored for far too long. All of these put me less than mobile a LOT.  All I did was sit and eat. Depression had a hold on me, and I had trouble getting through. I had medicine, but never went to therapy. I should have done that...but hindsight is 20/20...

And now here I am--220 lbs, after gaining 20 lbs in 2 months, while changing NOTHING--I didn't eat extra or stop moving. I think it's my Hashimoto's, but my doctor doesn't seem concerned. And I have to fix this relationship I have with food. I'm now at the point that I honestly think I eat with blinders on. I still associate good events with food. And I don't eat enough when I'm supposed to. My husband seems to think I don't eat a lot, which I disagree.

Phew~~what a tangent to say I have shadow work to do! This is my start, so plan on seeing more things about food here. Maybe I'll do a few posts with recipes and their content's meanings.